Unforgiven – Life After College

In the last post, I shared about two high school/college friends living the best of adventures in life together. To catch up, you can go here – Unforgiven – 31 Years Later. Then Scott met a girl that would become his wife. Here is the next part of the story, Unforgiven – Life After College.

Right after college Scott got married. He went right into full-time ministry with the same organization he volunteered with while in college. His friendship with Gerry continued to grow.

As a matter of fact, they were still doing some ministry together and hanging out as friends. Life begins to fast forward from there for Scott. Not only was he doing outreach to Middle School and High School teens, but he also took on a part-time role as a pastor for a small country church at the age of 27. And at 29, he had his first son on the way.

Now it was like a snowball rolling down a hill, and out of control. Scott was watching himself come and go. His wife was watching him come and go. And Scott was watching his friend Gerry come and go.

Trust is The Challenge

Scott and Gerry trusted each other, totally. It wasn’t a big deal when Scott was on his way to a ministry event and he passed Gerry on the road as his friend was on the way to his house. He knew his wife was there even though he couldn’t be. What great friends they all were.

After six years of marriage, even as clueless as Scott can be, he knew something was not right in his marriage. He would talk to his wife about why she was struggling, why they were struggling. As best friends, he certainly talked with Gerry about the struggles he and his wife were having. But there didn’t seem to be an answer.

Seemingly months into it, while Scott was having one of those talks with his wife in trying to figure out what the struggle was in their marriage, his wife finally blurted it out, in a totally distraught tone, “I’m in love with someone else.”

In A Daze

Initially, Scott seemed unfazed. “Oh, that’s it”? He said this calmly. But jokingly he was thinking in his head that it may come down to him having to cast demons out of the situation. Of course that all lasted but a second as his head was now spinning, trying to connect the dots.

He thought, “how could there be someone else, there is no one else.” Later that night, after not sleeping a wink, he put two and two together. And it equaled disaster in his mind. It equaled his best friend Gerry.

To think Scott was the only one in a daze at that point would be short-sighted. Now the dreaded moment feared for those involved had come to pass. It was out. And it would have lingering and rippling effects. And not just on the three, but many others and over many years.

The Blame

Have you ever had something happen that was out of whack? And then tried to figure out who was to blame. Scott certainly wondered about this. He knew it wasn’t his fault, right?

The Mentor

I will tell you that there is plenty of things for Scott to take the blame for over the span of his life. But in Scott’s mind, not this one! Then enter “The Mentor.” The mentor Keith entered Scott’s life for the first time soon after this happened. Keith was (and still is) a great gift of God to Scott.

Scott and Keith were discussing this intolerable situation. Keith has such great insights and wisdom. Listen to the following shocking question posed by Keith…

“So Scott, who was your mistress?”

Enter the Minion here from Despicable Me, “WHAT???” How could Keith ask such a question? Scott was out saving the world. A mistress?

While Scott was stunned by Keith’s question, that moment of silence, contemplation, and quietness, allowed Keith the opportunity to answer his own question. Keith stated,

Scott understood what Keith was saying. Whether it is ministry, whether it is a job where you work for someone else, or whether it’s your own business. And maybe it really is another person outside of your marriage.

So let me ask you. Who is your mistress? Bring it to an end now before things get worse!

Scott’s mistress was his Ministry. So his wife was left with unfulfilled needs and went outside of the marriage to feel wanted.

Scott’s wife was distracted by her own issues, so Scott went outside of his marriage to save the world.

And Gerry? Well, only Gerry can answer from his side of it. Maybe he was caught in the middle and simply made a bad decision.

And where does it start, or who does it start with? After all, who has grown up in the perfect family? Maybe it was the parents, and maybe even the grandparent’s fault. They passed it on down the line.

The bottom line is that sin has left mankind in a tough place. So do we blame Adam and Eve for starting it all? Technically that is true. But I think we are missing the point if so.

The Healing

Healing begins to take place in taking our part of the responsibility, our part of the sin. I have to admit, I’m not sure I like that part of it. Most people don’t like or want to take responsibility. The hardest part of the responsibility is forgiveness.

James 4:17 (NASB)

 So for one who knows the right thing to do and does not do it, for him it is sin.

Forgiveness is a Hard Thing

It doesn’t matter if you are giving it, or receiving it. In giving it, isn’t there that little part of us that wants the other to suffer a little bit more? Or to feel like they don’t even deserve our forgiveness. Scott for instance. Is it not surprising that he would think, “Well, it’s been 31 years and he’s just now asking for forgiveness? So he can stand to wait a little longer. I will decide soon enough to forgive him. Besides, I’ve already forgiven him in my heart several times over the years.”

Ever thought, “I can’t forgive them for doing that!” Okay, I’ll ask it. “You can’t, or you won’t?”

Ephesians 4:32 NIV

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Receiving it is tough too. To receive it means we sinned against someone. Usually, that sin isn’t forgiven unless it is asked for. So maybe it is not so much about the forgiver as it is about the one who needs to ask for forgiveness. Or really, maybe it’s about both.

Unforgivable Sins

Sure, there seems in mankind’s eyes, many sins that just can’t be forgiven.

Mark 3:28 CEV

“I promise you that any of the sinful things you say or do can be forgiven, no matter how terrible those things are.”

And the only unforgivable sin is stated in the very next verse, Mark 3:29. And what this verse says I believe is well said by Rick Cornish in his book Five Minute Theologian,

“That deliberate refusal to believe, even though knowing the truth, seems to be what Jesus called the unforgivable sin.”

Okay, look. I know there are a lot of horrible things that have been done out there in the world and throughout the ages. I can’t even imagine and probably can’t comprehend some of it either. But don’t become an advocate of the enemy by doing your part in keeping others bound in chains. That’s what unforgiveness does to them, and to you!

The next and final part of this story will be the next blog topic in this series of Unforgiven. So don’t stop reading without hearing the rest of the story.

Challenge of the Week

Do Not Stay Stuck – that’s the challenge. Unforgiveness keeps you stuck. Why? Because you are dwelling in the past. Dwelling means ‘to be stuck.’ So do not be a dweller who is stuck in life. And do not be a partner with the devil in keeping others in chains because you have chosen to not forgive them. Jesus forgave you didn’t He? So be it.