Before Love Found Me

This is the beginning of a journey we’ll walk together. And today’s post is just a quick start of that story before love found me.  It led the way, it was a part of the journey, on the way to when love did actually find me.

When Love Found Me

1 John 4:19

Over the past year, I’ve been writing something a little different. I’ll just call it “journaling my reflections” pretty much since the end of 2003. That was just the start.  But that was just the start of quite the journey.

My journaling?

They are not just blog posts.
Nor are they just reflections.
But a story.

A story I didn’t fully set out to write at first. A story that, in many ways, has been writing me.

I’ve been calling it: When Love Found Me.

And starting today, I want to invite you into that journey with me.

Not as readers observing from a distance. But as fellow travelers. Because this won’t be a book release. It will be a walk together.

Every Story Begins Somewhere

Romans 8:28

Every story begins with threads. Some strong. Some frayed. And some barely holding together.

Mine was no different.

When I look back now, the first forty-two years of my life felt like a patchwork quilt stitched together with loneliness and longing, success and failure, hope and disappointment.

At the time, I couldn’t see what God was doing underneath any of it. I had no clue.

I just knew life often felt unfinished. Directionless. Messy. Unsettled.

There were seasons when things looked strong on the outside, and many other times when everything seemed to unravel at the edges.

But looking back now, I can see something I couldn’t see then: Even the torn pieces were important. Even the broken places became part of a bigger story.

Roots and Restlessness

Proverbs 14:12

I didn’t grow up with much when it came to faith. I remember a few faint Easter services that went with the family gathering and Easter egg hunts.

There was no strong spiritual foundation. There were no rhythms of prayer or connection with God. And no sense that God was actively present in my everyday life, or any part of my life.

With, at a certain time in my life, a functionally alcoholic father and a mother trying desperately to hold everything together, I learned independence early.

I learned how to fix things. Patch things. Build things.

As a teenager, I repaired part of our roof by myself and built an overhang over the front door to stop rain from leaking into the house. At the time, it just felt like survival. Pretty sure it wouldn’t have passed any codes, but I sure was pretty proud of my work.

But looking back now…

I think God was already shaping something in me.

The ability to lead. To create. To step in when something needed attention.

Even then, He was planting seeds underneath the surface that I wouldn’t recognize until years later.

The Aching Beneath the Achievement

Ecclesiastes 3:11

As I got older, I searched for purpose the only ways I knew how:

Work. Achievement. Recognition. And sometimes, for a moment, those things quieted the ache inside. But never for long.

Relationships came and went. Some meaningful. Most were fleeting. None lasting. Even success often left me strangely hollow.

I wanted more than accomplishment.

I wanted belonging. You know, to be fully known, fully chosen, and fully loved.

And yet the harder I tried to fill that emptiness, the more I realized nothing else could hold the weight of what my heart was really searching for.

Faith: The Anchor and the Struggle

Isaiah 29:13

Faith was a part of my intermittent life, but mostly from a distance. As I got older, there were seasons when God felt near. When prayer flowed easily, and His presence felt real.

And there were other seasons, most other seasons, when He felt painfully far away.

If I’m honest, it was I who often kept Him at arm’s length.

Close enough to believe in Him…but not close enough to fully surrender to Him.

I wore masks well. I knew how to say the right things. Play the part. Blend into church culture.

But underneath it all, I often felt overlooked. Like, somehow everyone else had been seen by God… except me.

What I didn’t know then was that God was still working underneath all of it. Every detour, every disappointment, and every lonely night.

None of it was wasted.

What God Was Doing Underneath

Philippians 1:6

Looking back now, I can see something I couldn’t see at the time:

God was preparing the soil of my life.

All of those times in the wandering. And even in the striving and in the places where I thought I was lost.

He was pruning me, shaping me, and patiently forming something unfinished into something whole. And maybe that’s one of the reasons I’m sharing this story now.

Because I don’t think this is just my story.

I think many of us spend years living lives that feel disconnected, unfinished, or quietly aching underneath the surface. And sometimes we don’t realize until much later…

God was already there. He was already working. He was already preparing us for something we couldn’t yet imagine.  And maybe some of you still can’t…but please take this journey with me!

When Love Found Me

1 John 4:19

And then, in the fall of 2003, when I least expected it…

Love found me again.

Not in a church lobby.
Not through friends.
And not through ministry.

But through the glow of a computer screen and the kindness of a woman named Carmen.

What I thought was simply the beginning of a relationship…was actually the unfolding of God’s greater story for my life.

A story that continues even now.

And over the next several months, I want to share that journey with you. It’s not a perfect journey. Not even close. That will be a part of what will make this a fun and challenging journey together.

And it’s not like a journey from someone who has it all figured out. But as someone still learning how to recognize God’s presence in the ordinary unfolding of a life.

A Simple Invitation

Matthew 11:28

As we begin this journey together, I want to invite you to do something simple:

Pause.

Take a moment to think about your own story.

Not just the breakthroughs.
Not just the victories.

But the unfinished places, the lonely places, the striving places, and all the places where you wondered if God was doing anything at all.

Because maybe…

just maybe…

God was working underneath your story long before you recognized Him or how He was even at work.

And maybe the very things that felt wasted…will someday become part of the beauty He’s still weaving together.

Running Home, by Cochren & Co….

Challenge of the Week

This week, spend a few quiet moments reflecting on this question: Where in your life have you mistaken “unfinished” for “forgotten”? Ask God to gently show you where He may have already been working underneath your story. Do this not to get any rushed answers, but simply to begin noticing His presence in places you once thought were empty. So be it.

…because sometimes formation begins long before we realize love has already found us.

Scott Ramsey

Scripture references:

• I John 4:19 – We love because he first loved us.
• Romans 8:28 – And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
• Proverbs 14:12 – There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death.
• Ecclesiastes 3:11 – He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
• Isaiah 29:13 –  The Lord says: “These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is based on merely human rules they have been taught.
• Philippians 1:6 – being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
• Matthew 11:28 – “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
• Psalm 139:23-24 – Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.