The Grown-Up Playground

Do we as adults ever really grow up? I wonder when I go to my class reunions. I also see it in the marketplace. And I am even in awe of myself, some of the things I say and do. Some of us leave middle school without leaving the playground behind. I call it the grown-up playground.

Philippians 2:3

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.

This very morning, the message at the church I attend was not about how great Jesus was or is, but about how He demonstrated greatness through love by serving others, by washing their feet, for example. He was about lifting others up.

I’ve been thinking lately about a kid I knew a long time ago.

I was in college at the time and working with middle-school students. If you remember middle school at all, you probably remember it can be a difficult place to survive—especially if you’re a little different.

This particular kid was. He was small. Redheaded. Buck-toothed. And some of the other kids made sure everyone noticed.

They picked on him, made fun of him, and found ways to embarrass him.

I remember watching it happen and thinking how ridiculous the whole thing was. Making him look smaller didn’t actually make them bigger. Making him feel awkward didn’t make them cooler. And making other kids laugh at his expense didn’t somehow increase their value.

But apparently, for a few moments anyway, it made them feel like it did. That’s middle school. Eventually, we grow up. Or at least we’re supposed to.

A Different Playground

I’ve discovered that we don’t always leave middle school as far behind as we think. We just get better at disguising it.

The playground becomes the workplace. Popularity becomes position. Being one of the cool kids becomes having the right title, greater influence, more followers, or simply making sure people know what we’ve accomplished.

And sometimes we still fall for that same ridiculous equation:

If I can make you look a little smaller, somehow I’ll look a little bigger.

I experienced something like that during my recent journey you may have been following. If you’ve been following, you know some of the story.

I’d lost the business-coaching position that had been a significant part of my life. Eventually, I started driving Uber, and surprisingly, that became an important part of my journey. But I was still wondering what came next.

I knew what I loved doing. And it is coaching business owners that I love.

I had built and operated a business. I had led employees, dealt with customers, made plenty of mistakes, experienced success, coached owners, and helped people think differently about their businesses.

And I believed I had something to offer. Then a close friend said something that made me question it.

Maybe You’re Not That Good

His opinion mattered to me…or at least it used to.  Ouch, that hurt!

During a conversation about my future, he essentially told me that maybe I wasn’t really that great of a business coach.

Maybe I was good at goal setting. Maybe I could coach smaller businesses unlike his. But beyond that?

Maybe not.

And his words stayed with me. That’s the thing about words spoken by people we trust. A stranger can say something about you, and you may shrug it off.

But when someone close to you says it, you replay it.

Could he be right? Maybe I’ve thought too highly of my abilities. Maybe I’m not as good at this as I thought.

I can’t tell you what was in my friend’s heart. Only God knows that.

But knowing him as I did, his words felt less like constructive criticism and more like diminishing what I had accomplished and what I might still be capable of doing.

And somewhere along the way, I thought about that redheaded middle-schooler.

I’ve seen this before.

• Different people.
• Different playground.
• Same temptation.

You don’t get bigger by making someone else smaller.

But Wait a Minute…

It would be pretty easy to make my friend the villain in this story. Except Philippians 2:3 wasn’t written specifically for him. It was written for people like me too. And maybe you.

Because this temptation can be much more subtle than criticizing someone. It happens all the time. They seem to find a bigger, better story of something about themselves.

• Someone shares an accomplishment, and we immediately want to tell them about ours.
• Someone receives recognition, and something inside us wonders why nobody recognized us.
• And someone gets the promotion.
• Their business takes off.
• Their ministry grows.
• They get invited.
• They get noticed.

And something inside us quietly asks:

What about me?

I’ve heard that voice too. Maybe the problem isn’t always that we want someone else to become smaller.

Maybe we’re afraid their success somehow makes us smaller.

But someone else’s success doesn’t diminish mine. Someone else’s gifts don’t eliminate mine. Someone else receiving an opportunity doesn’t mean God has forgotten me.

Philippians 2:3-4 NIV

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, no looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

There’s room for all of us. It’s funny how we can make it about our own little part of the world.

Jesus Showed Us Another Way

Paul says:

“In humility value others above yourselves.”

That’s almost the exact opposite of the playground.

The world says, Get noticed – Jesus says, Notice others.
The world says, Climb higher – Jesus repeatedly bends lower.

And perhaps one sign that we’re becoming more like Jesus is that we can genuinely celebrate what God is doing through someone else—even when we aren’t the ones receiving the recognition.

• Humility doesn’t mean pretending we don’t have gifts.
• It doesn’t mean diminishing ourselves.
• And it certainly doesn’t mean allowing someone else to diminish us.

Humility is being secure enough in who God created you to be that you don’t have to diminish anyone else.

The Journey Continued

Eventually, after that long season of uncertainty—and more Uber miles than I ever expected to drive—another opportunity came.

Full-time business coaching. I took it. And what a journey that has been. I’d love to tell you that’s where everything wrapped up neatly.

Lost my coaching job.
Drove Uber.
Learned some valuable lessons.
Got another coaching job.
Roll the credits.

Except that’s not how life works.

Isn’t it all a journey?

Every time we think we’ve arrived somewhere, we discover we’re standing at the beginning of something else.

I’m still learning about coaching, about leadership, and still learning about myself. And I’m certainly still learning about following Jesus.

Maybe my friend was right about some things. Maybe he was wrong about others. But I’m glad I didn’t allow his assessment of me to become my assessment of myself.

His opinion didn’t get to determine what I did next. Neither should someone else’s opinion determine what you do next.

Your Everyday Life

Maybe someone’s words have stuck with you.

You’re not good enough.
You’re not a leader.
You’ll never make it.
You’re not very good at that.

Listen to wise counsel. Receive correction. Stay humble. Be teachable. But don’t hand someone else the authority to define who God created you to be.

And while you’re at it, make sure you aren’t doing that to someone else.

Maybe someone around you needs what that redheaded middle-schooler needed all those years ago:

Someone who sees something good in them.
Someone who encourages them.
And someone who helps them stand a little taller.

You are enough…

Challenge of the Week

This week, intentionally build someone up. Tell them something you see in them. Celebrate something they’ve accomplished. Encourage something they’re trying. And don’t attach your own story to it. Let their moment be their moment. Because after all these years, I still believe what those middle-school bullies hadn’t figured out yet:

You don’t get bigger by making someone else smaller.

A Thought to Take With You

Strong people don’t need to diminish others. They’re secure enough to help someone else stand a little taller.

Please continue to follow my journey as you continue your own. This post is one little thought that was a big hurdle in my own journey, so let’s carry on together. Let’s keep discovering what God can teach us through our everyday lives.