For forty-two years, my life felt like a patchwork quilt. It seemed stitched together with threads of success and failure, hope and disappointment, laughter and loneliness. There were seasons when the fabric looked strong, and others when it seemed to unravel at the edges. But that was before love found me, in yet another way.
Looking back now, I can see how every piece, even the ones I thought were wasted or torn, was part of a bigger pattern. But in the moment, it often felt unfinished. I even felt lost and was lost at times.
Jeremiah 29:11 → Even when life felt like a patchwork quilt, God had a pattern and plan for me.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord…
Romans 8:28 → God was using both the strong threads and unraveling edges that I can use for my own story.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him…”
Isaiah 43:1 → Even in feeling lost, I belonged to Him.
“…I have called you by name; you are mine.”
Roots and Restlessness
I grew up without any knowledge or participation in matters related to God and His people. Sunday mornings, family prayers, and whispers of God’s presence were not a part of my childhood. I grew up with a ‘functionally’ alcoholic father. And my mother was caught up in ‘making everything okay’ and trying to hang on to herself. I was left feeling pretty independent.
Running the neighborhood, trying to fit in, and wondering what the next day would hold. I felt this drive to lead, but I didn’t know how or what. So I was just glad to be a part of something…and not always the right thing.
But even in those ‘normal’ ordinary days, there were glimpses of something more. God was there, planting seeds I wouldn’t fully recognize until years later.
The Only Way I Knew
As a young man, I went searching for purpose in the only ways I knew how: through work, achievement, and accomplishment. I became what a psychologist called, The Hero. That was me as a child of an alcoholic. That was the role I played in trying to “make everything okay.” If I could do that, maybe my family would be proud of me, and it would make us a normal family.
My two sisters, one older and one younger, played their roles as children of an alcoholic. My older sister was “quiet as a mouse.” If she could just stay quiet and not make any waves, it might just be alright. My younger sister, on the other hand, was “The Rebel.” She was the smartest, but she would rebel in protest to what played out as the norm in our family.
As I got older, I poured myself into jobs, convinced that achievement and recognition would quiet the ache inside. And sometimes it did, for a moment. But more often, what success I had left me strangely hollow. I sensed I was wired for more – to lead, to build, to create, though I couldn’t have named it yet.
Psalm 68:5–6 → God was my covering, even when my earthly family was fragile. Oh, and by the way, both of my parents accepted Christ before passing and are now in heaven.
“A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families…”
Jeremiah 1:5 → My drive to lead and belong was wired by God.
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you…”
Matthew 13:3–9 (Parable of the Sower) → God was planting seeds in my life, even when I couldn’t see the growth.
Ecclesiastes 1:8–9 → Chasing achievement never fully satisfies. Success and “the hero role” couldn’t fill the ache. Only God could.
“All things are wearisome, more than one can say. The eye never has enough of seeing, nor the ear its fill of hearing.
What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun.”
The Ache of Loneliness
Relationships came and went. Some meaningful, others fleeting. None lasted. Even my first marriage left me feeling empty, so I went out trying to save the world. My ministry became my mistress – it’s where I felt fulfilled. My (then) wife felt unfulfilled, too. So she pursued several affairs – one of which was my best friend.
With every goodbye, the ache for something steady, something real, grew stronger. I didn’t just want companionship – a roommate. I wanted to belong. To be seen fully, chosen, and to have an intimate relationship.
There were nights when the silence of my room seemed to echo with loneliness. It wasn’t just the absence of another person; it was the longing for a love that would stay emotionally, mentally, and physically. A love that would anchor me.
Genesis 2:18 → God created me (and you) with the longing for companionship.
“It is not good for the man to be alone…”
Psalm 34:18 → God was near in the heartbreak of betrayal and loneliness.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Hebrews 13:5 → Even when human relationships failed, His presence remained.
“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”
Isaiah 54:10 → His love is the anchor I longed for.
“Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken…”
Faith: Anchor and Wrestle
Through it all, my faith was both my anchor and my wrestle. There were seasons when God felt close, when prayer flowed easily, and His presence seemed near. And there were other seasons when He felt far away, when I wondered if maybe I’d been overlooked.
It was during those self-felt-overlooked seasons that I wore a mask. I knew enough to play the game. And I think I played it pretty well…though I do realize in looking back that those who were following Jesus could see through it for the most part.
Was my story destined to remain unfulfilled and unfinished?
Even in those questions, God was working. What I didn’t realize then was that He continued to prepare the soil of my life. Every detour, every long night, none of it was wasted. He was going to use this for teachable moments. Pruning, molding, and patiently building my story until the right time.
Psalm 13:1–2 → Scripture gives voice to the seasons I felt overlooked.
“How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?…”
James 1:2–4 → God was building something through the wrestle.
“…the testing of your faith produces perseverance.”
John 15:2 → Pruning seasons were not punishment but preparation.
“Every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.”
Romans 5:3–5 → God was molding me through every detour and long night.
“…suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.”
When Love Found Me
And then, in the winter of 2003, when I least expected it, love found me once again. Not in a bar or in a church lobby. It wasn’t through mutual friends. Nor was it at a business event. But through the glow of a computer screen, in the laughter and kindness of a woman named Carmen.
What I thought was simply the beginning of a love story turned out to be the unfolding of God’s greater story for my life.
This is where the story begins.
Ephesians 3:20 → God’s way of bringing love was unexpected and beyond imagination.
“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine…”
Proverbs 19:21 → My story wasn’t just about romance; it was God’s greater purpose unfolding.
“Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.”
1 John 4:19 → Carmen’s love was a reflection of God’s love already at work in me.
“We love because he first loved us.”
Challenge of the Week
Maybe you find yourself in a season of waiting right now. Longing for something steady, praying for something more. If so, take heart. God isn’t wasting the waiting. He’s weaving threads you can’t yet see, preparing your story in ways you can’t yet imagine. Hold on, it’s just beginning. Love found me, and love will find you, too. So be it!
Lamentations 3:25–26 → Waiting isn’t wasted. God is working!
“The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.”
Galatians 6:9 → Keep pressing forward in hope.
“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”
Isaiah 40:31 → God strengthens us in seasons of longing.
“…those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength…”
Other Related Posts:
