Have you ever noticed how good it feels to be needed? Someone calls because they need your advice. A coworker asks for your help with a difficult situation. A family member needs you to take care of something. Or perhaps someone simply says, “I don’t know what we’d do without you!” Well, now. That feels pretty good, doesn’t it? It is important, though, to understand the difference between being needed and being valued.
There’s something satisfying about knowing that our experience, abilities, or presence makes a difference in someone else’s life. And there’s certainly nothing wrong with that.
We were created for relationships, for community, and for making a difference in the lives of others. But there is something key to keep in mind.
So let me ask: is there a difference between being needed and being valued? And do we sometimes confuse the two?
Psalm 139:14 (NIV)
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
When Being Needed Feels Good
If you’ve been following my journey, you know that I’ve returned to full-time business coaching after an unexpected season of career transition.
And what a journey it’s been!
I’ve shared about losing a position I loved, spending several months driving Uber, meeting some fascinating people along the way, and eventually stepping into another opportunity to work with business owners.
In last week’s post, “Welcome to the Show!”, I shared how I quickly discovered that my new role involved expectations beyond what I had originally understood.
I was excited about the opportunity to help business owners succeed, and I still am. I love helping people discover possibilities, develop strategies, and accomplish things they might not have thought possible.
And after spending years working with business owners, I’ve learned that one of the greatest rewards isn’t simply seeing a business grow.
It’s watching the person leading that business grow.
But as I’ve continued navigating this new chapter, I’ve found myself thinking about the difference between being appreciated for what we can do and being valued for what we bring.
Those aren’t necessarily the same thing. And sometimes the distinction can be difficult to recognize.
1 Peter 4:10 (NIV)
Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others.
The Trap of Being Indispensable
Let’s be honest. Most of us enjoy feeling important. We like knowing that our contribution matters.
We appreciate hearing that someone values our experience, wisdom, or abilities. And if we’re not careful, we can begin measuring our significance by how much people depend on us. The more they need us, the more valuable we feel.
Until one day, we realize we’ve become so busy being needed that we’ve forgotten something important.
Being indispensable isn’t the same as being fulfilled. In fact, sometimes the more indispensable we become, the more exhausted we feel.
The phone keeps ringing. The requests keep coming. And the expectations keep growing.
And somewhere along the way, we begin wondering whether people appreciate us or simply appreciate everything we do for them.
Now, I don’t believe most people intentionally take advantage of others. Sometimes they’re simply busy, overwhelmed, or focused on their own responsibilities.
And sometimes we contribute to the problem ourselves. We say yes when we should pause. We volunteer before anyone asks and take ownership of things that aren’t necessarily ours to manage.
Why?
Maybe because we genuinely care. But perhaps, occasionally, it’s because being needed makes us feel valuable.
Ouch. That one might hit a little close to home.
Mark 8:36 (NIV)
What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?
What Happens When We’re No Longer Needed?
Here’s a question worth considering.,,
- What happens to our sense of worth when the phone stops ringing?
- When someone else gets the opportunity?
- When our children grow up and don’t need us in the same ways?
- And when we retire?
- Or when a job we’ve poured ourselves into suddenly comes to an end?
I experienced a little of that during my unexpected career transition.
One day, I had a position, responsibilities, relationships, and a schedule filled with opportunities to contribute. Then suddenly, I didn’t.
My experience hadn’t disappeared. My abilities hadn’t vanished. And the years I’d invested in helping others hadn’t somehow become meaningless.
But the position through which I’d been using those abilities was gone. And that kind of change has a way of making you think.
If so much of our identity is connected to what we do, what happens when we can no longer do it?
If our value depends on being needed, then our value will always be vulnerable to someone else’s circumstances. That’s not a very secure place to build our identity.
Hebrews 13:8 (NIV)
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.
God Sees Something Different
One of my favorite reminders about our identity comes from God.
Ephesians 2:10 (NIV)
For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
Notice the order. We are God’s handiwork. Then we are created to do good works. Our identity comes before our activity.
Our value isn’t established by how productive we are, how many people depend on us, or how impressive our accomplishments may appear.
We are His creation.
And while God has certainly given each of us gifts, abilities, and opportunities to serve others, those things aren’t what make us valuable to Him.
Think about Jesus’ baptism.
Before He had begun His public ministry, before the crowds gathered, before the miracles and teaching, the Father declared His love and pleasure in His Son (Matthew 3:17).
Jesus didn’t have to earn His Father’s love through a long list of accomplishments. His identity was already secure. Now, we’re certainly not Jesus.
But through Christ, we are invited into a relationship with a heavenly Father who loves us as His children. And that changes how we understand our worth.
God doesn’t love us because we’re useful. We serve because we’re loved. There’s a world of difference between those two perspectives.
Learning to Serve From a Different Place
So, does this mean we should stop wanting to make a difference? Of course not!
I hope I never lose my desire to help people grow, encourage someone who’s struggling, or contribute something meaningful to the lives of others.
I believe those desires can be wonderful expressions of the gifts God has given us. But I’m learning that there’s a healthier place from which to serve.
Instead of asking, “Do they need me?” Perhaps we should ask, “Am I making a meaningful contribution?”
Instead of wondering, “Do they recognize everything I’m doing?” Perhaps we should ask, “Am I being faithful with what God has entrusted to me?”
And instead of measuring our worth by how much responsibility we carry, perhaps we should remember that our value was established long before anyone gave us a job title, responsibility, or assignment.
That doesn’t mean appreciation is unimportant.
Healthy relationships and organizations should recognize people’s contributions, respect their experience, and communicate genuine appreciation.
It doesn’t mean we should quietly accept unreasonable expectations or stay in unhealthy situations. But it does mean that someone else’s failure to recognize our value doesn’t diminish it.
Recognition is something we may receive. Worth is something we already have.
Colossians 3:23–24 (NIV)
Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord.
Your Everyday Life
Maybe you’re a parent whose children are becoming more independent. Maybe you’re a leader who feels responsible for everyone else’s success. Or maybe you’re the person at church who always seems to get another assignment, or perhaps you’re working hard in a position where you sometimes wonder whether anyone really sees what you contribute.
I understand that feeling. And I suspect most of us experience it at one time or another. We want to matter. We want to make a difference. And we want to know that our lives count for something.
But here’s the beautiful thing about our relationship with God. We don’t have to prove our worth to Him. We don’t have to earn His attention by becoming indispensable. And we don’t have to compete with someone else for His approval.
We can simply begin by remembering who we are. Loved. Created with purpose. Gifted to serve. And valuable even on the days when nobody calls, nobody notices, and nobody says thank you. Because the God who created us hasn’t overlooked us.
And perhaps that’s the recognition we need to remember most.
Luke 12:6–7 (NIV)
Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
Challenge of the Week
This week, take a moment to consider where you’ve been finding your sense of value. Is it in your work, responsibilities, number of people who depend on you, or the recognition you receive?
Ask God to help you see yourself through His eyes rather than through the expectations of others. And then do something intentional. Encourage someone who quietly serves without receiving much recognition. Let them know you appreciate not only what they do, but who they are. Sometimes a few sincere words can remind someone that they matter far beyond their responsibilities. So be it.
A Thought to Take With You
“Being needed may make us feel important, but being loved reminds us we’re valuable—even when we’re not needed.”
As for my journey, I’m still learning. I’m still coaching, still growing, still discovering new challenges, and still finding opportunities to examine my own heart along the way.
And perhaps that’s part of what makes this journey so meaningful. God isn’t simply interested in what we accomplish. He’s interested in who we’re becoming.
Keep following my journey as you continue your own. Together, let’s keep looking for God in the ordinary moments of our everyday lives.
Paul reminds us that nothing in all creation can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus.
Romans 8:38–39 MSG
Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ’s love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:
They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We’re sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.
None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.
This is a beautiful closing reminder that our security is grounded in God’s love, not our usefulness.
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