There are seasons when we don’t walk away from God. We just stop walking closely with Him. The prayers become less frequent. The dependence becomes less intentional. The relationship becomes more distant. Not because we stopped believing, but because believing feels safer than trusting. This is when I started experiencing God at a distance.
Looking back now, I can see that was exactly where I was when Carmen entered my life. From the outside, things were getting better. Inside, something was still broken. And I wasn’t ready to let God touch it.
James 4:8
Come near to God, and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.
The Story
I had spent twenty-three years in ministry. I had preached, counseled, and led teams. And, I had performed weddings and helped people through broken marriages.
And then my own marriage collapsed. The betrayal cut deep. The divorce cut deeper. And walking away from ministry felt like losing not only a job, but part of my identity.
People often ask whether I was angry with God. The truth is more complicated. I wasn’t angry with God. I was hurt by His people. At least that’s what I told myself.
Looking back now, I realize something. The distance I created wasn’t just from people. It was from God, too.
Looking Back Now
At the time, I thought I was protecting myself.
I told myself, “Keep God close enough to believe in Him…but far enough away that He can’t hurt you again.” It sounds foolish now.
But wounded people often build protective walls and call them wisdom. I had faith. I just didn’t have the closeness – “I’m good from here, God!”
So, I believed. I simply didn’t want intimacy because intimacy felt risky. Because I couldn’t trust people, how could I fully trust God?
What God Was Doing Underneath
The amazing thing is that God didn’t abandon me in that season. And it was a long one in human time. He didn’t demand immediate healing. He didn’t shame me for my distance. But He was patient.
While I was pulling away…He was still pursuing.
While I was questioning…He was still working.
And while I was keeping Him outside the house…He was patiently standing at the door.
And one of the ways He showed His grace was through Carmen. Not because she would save me – only God could do that. But because she represented something I had stopped expecting:
- Hope.
- Laughter.
- Connection.
The possibility that maybe life wasn’t over after all.
The Hidden Hunger
Carmen and I were building a good life. We had love. Four active kids. Laughter. Soccer games. Skateboards. Family dinners.
By most standards, things were good. But looking back now, I can see something neither of us fully understood. We had built a home. And it felt good.
But we hadn’t built an altar. We weren’t against God. We simply weren’t pursuing Him. God was welcome in the neighborhood. We just hadn’t given Him a key to the house.
A Simple Invitation
Matthew 11:28
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
As I look back on that season, I wonder how many of us are living there right now.
Not rejecting God. Not running from Him. Keeping Him at a comfortable distance.
Maybe because of disappointment, or maybe because of hurt. Maybe because trusting feels too risky, or maybe because someone who claimed to represent Christ wounded you deeply.
If that’s where you are…
I understand. I’ve been there. But I’ve also learned something.
Distance feels safe, but it never heals the wound.
Only God can do that. And I needed Him. I just didn’t know how much.
Challenge of the Week
This week, ask yourself: Have I been keeping God at a distance because of something someone else did? Then sit quietly with Him. No performance. No pretending. Just honesty. And ask: “Lord, where have I confused disappointment with You?” Because sometimes the greatest step of faith isn’t running toward God. It’s simply opening the door you’ve been holding closed. Let Him in. So be it.
Psalm 139:23-24
Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
Thank you for reading. This is a part of a series. Here are the previous posts:
- #1 – When Love Found Me
- #2 – Before Love Found Me
- #3 – Love Finds A Way
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